It took 2 years for me to write this. Not because of laziness or another lame excuse of not finding enough time, but every time I thought of putting this on paper, the "emotional me" did not approve me sharing it with the world.
Two years back, this day - 16th of November taught me one of the most important lessons of my life.
Almost 48 hours had passed and my husband was lying in the ICU with all his vitals failing, and I, running in sheer despair, from one specialist to another for the "right" diagnosis and treatment. I use the word "right" since for last 2 days ever since I cajoled him to get a simple ECG done and not brush his symptoms away as anxiety pangs, I had heard enough hypotheses and desperate speculations from all the well-known doctors and surgeons for his abnormally high heart rate- their theories ranging from simple hypothyroidism to complex lifestyle-related cardiac blockage and embolism. Every detection test available in the hospital was done but unfortunately, none could provide answers to the simple (yet the most complex) question- what's wrong with him?
It was during such pressing time that a senior cardiologist walked in the ICU like a messiah on this day and gave an identity and a terminology to his life-threatening condition and I was indeed thankful to him and the almighty, for now the next action plan could be charted and save him from the gallows of death that were hovering over him for last 2 days.
As they took him to the OT and the door rammed behind on my face, I suddenly remembered- I had some many things to tell him... I wanted to tell him that I am waiting for him outside. I wanted his reassurance that he will come back to me alive. I wanted to share with him the plans made for our wedding anniversary. I wanted to reveal his birthday gift. I wanted to talk to him and listen to him... I would not have kept all these and many more talks pending for that "one perfect day" if only I knew that this perhaps may be is the last time I am seeing him alive.
Well, the surgery was successful and the next 48 hours, I saw him sleeping like a child, totally undisturbed by the chaos outside, unaware of any existence of a world. He did not witness the worried faces of his near and dear ones, or hear the religious chants and get well soon wishes, or wipe the occasional tears, or feel the apprehensions and fears, or participate in any discussions with the doctors and nurses. Neither was he aware of me sitting besides his bed eagerly waiting for my "Rip Van Winkle" to open his eyes so that I could narrate this entire episode as if some movie or novel.
I can never forget the deafening silence of these 48 hours when all my ears wanted to hear was him calling out my name. I realized of how as husband and wife, parent and child, friend, colleague, in any and every relation, we take each other for granted. The first time I realized this was although few years back when I had to change the bulb in my study room - a not so noteworthy task done by my husband who never ever mentioned it to me perhaps. And yet, though I noticed it, the least I could have said is "thank you". But, I never said it. Why?
I realized that with time, our egos get inflated, miscommunications and expectations rise, frustrations build up and somewhere down the line, we forget that we are humans - real humans in flesh and blood, and have a fistful of heart loaded with emotions. And being emotional and expressing what I feel does not make me weak, but in fact makes me grow more stronger.
Life has become a rat race and we are all running without even knowing who is running besides us, forget knowing the finish line. An occasional gesture of smile or hello can make up someone's day, but who cares? Simple communications of expressing your feelings, or a genuine compliment to someone take a back seat because we have project deadlines to meet and nasty emails to reply. Our emotions get subdued and we leave these talks for that "one perfect day". Unfortunately, no technology is that advanced as yet to mark that "one perfect day" on our calendars.
It was this day that year, which taught me life's greatest lesson- If at all there exists that "one perfect day" to express your love and gratitude, it is today - let's live the most of it.
